Monday, March 8, 2010

Where Do I Stand?

So I like to think of myself as a straight forward kind of girl, get to the point.
Lately I haven't been this way.
This is a problem.

I like to be blunt, but I know when to hold back.
I like to be honest when someone asks my opinion.

These are some things that make me confident and make me who I am.
Lately that confidence has disappeared.
It did show up again tonight and it felt really good.

Here's the deal.
Most girls when they hang out with a guy or have a boyfriend feel more confident because they feel loved or whatever, right?
Me?  I am weird.
A guy shows a little bit of interest or I get "checked out" I feel good.
A guy asks me out, I freeze up.  Like I've said before, I enjoy the chase.
Lately I've been hanging out with a boy and my confidence level has only peaked when he tells me he's busy and can't do anything.  Isn't that a bit odd?

I mean I like this boy.  I think.  The feelings come and go.
But here's the thing, we hang out at least every week but nothing happens.
So sometimes it makes me think that we're just friends.  Which is really no problem with me if that's what it is; I've always wanted a really good guy friend.
But then his friends say something or he offers to pay for me (which bugs the hell out of me) and then I think otherwise.

Now I have these questions: Why won't he kiss me?  Why won't he hold my hand?  Why doesn't he touch the small of my back like I've seen other boys do?  or even a hug?

[I learn by observing other people, watching movies and reading books.]

I think it's my fault.  I know it's my fault.
I told him early on that I don't like mushy stuff and I get freaked out when people get too close.
But what I meant by "too close" was boys say stupid things.
I was once told by a boy, that I had only known for a few months, that he was in love with me.  He told me this over and over again.
I didn't even know how old he was.  That's how little I knew about him.

So now I think it's my job to "man up" as a friend told me and grab this boys hand, that is if I feel it's right. 
When I mean right I mean my feelings for him are there and I'm reading "the signs" right.

OR I'll be my lovely straight forward self and just ask him.

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